In A Flap

Posted on May 1, 2009 
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Sunshine has at last battled its way through the Mancunian drizzle, so I unlocked the patio doors, threw them wide and stepped out for a bask.

Then found part of a pigeon on the patio. Specifically, a wing.

I will now telepathically assess you, based on the thoughts in your head

1/ “awwww da poooh burdie”
You are a normal, and rational human being, clearly looking at the wrong blog.

2/ “but if it only has one wing, won’t it fly round in circles?”
Please send me a postcard from Narnia, I hear it’s lovely

3/ “oh christ, where have the little sods hidden the rest of it?”
You are an experienced cat owner.

I’ve yet to come across more parts or a Silence Of The Lambs style Bird-suit but the moggies are looking particularly pleased with themselves this week

Maybe Mary Whitehouse had a point

Posted on March 31, 2009 
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You see some disturbing things on Telly. Earlier tonight, I saw Gillian “the awful poo lady” McKeith standing in the high street, poking women in the bottom. Now, it’s a variety of cocks in extreme close up. No, silly, The Apprentice is Tomorrow night – this is some sex education thing on Channel 4. I’m not really watching it so keep hearing random bits out of context:-

“Obviously, men don’t have bunny ears on their cocks”

The adverts are clearly made to match too. Not sure they’ll sell many of those Chlamydia pants, though

“There are basic rules when cleaning a penis”

No Brillo pads or bleach, for one thing

Overheard On The Bus

Posted on February 12, 2009 
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“Everybody’s tightening their belts these days. I seen a thing on GMTV saying loads of people are having to do DIY themselves, now”

um … how ELSE do you do DIY?

Like Flies

Posted on February 12, 2009 
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Several times over the last few months, I’ve started to write a post mourning the loss of someone I admired or was at least sad to see go. Every time I started, another one walked the plank – Patrick McGoohan, John Mortimer, Tony Hart, John Martyn, Lux Interior – so I’ve been scared to do it in case it’s my latent psychic powers bumping them off.

Clearly, mentioning it here is a risk, if my theory is true, so if Morrissey starts to look a bit peaky, think up an alibi for me.

Sunday Night Telly Talk

Posted on January 14, 2009 
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“oooo, nice”

“Fiona Bruce?? Really?”

“Well, not much but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crisps”

“Not even Cheese and Onion”

“hmmm, tough one.”

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